Letters of Regret

My Dearest Little One,

The day that you were taken from my womb was, and continues to be, the darkest day of my life. I remember as if God was setting the stage for the event, it was gloomy and raining that day. I woke up with my stomach doing cartwheels and my heart in a million pieces knowing what was going to happen and knowing that I had no control over the matter. See, you were conceived because of a rape and I was just a child myself. I was only thirteen when I got the news that you were growing on the inside of me. When I first heard that I was filled with fear and sorrow because I knew that I would have to tell my mom that her boyfriend had raped me. I had every intention of taking that with me to the grave. I didn't want to hurt her and I was afraid of what he would do if I said anything. After the dust settled and the truth had come out, I realized that even though I was afraid you were the only good thing in a horrible situation. My darling child, I wanted you. I knew that you weren't to blame for what had happened. That you were the innocent one in a guilty situation. My mother, however, was convinced that you needed to be dealt with? As those words came from her I was filled with rage. What did she mean by deal with you? I fought her and pleaded with her to let me keep you. She told me if I did, we would have to leave her house. That we would live on the streets. I felt as though my back was hard pressed against a wall. She had me cornered and I felt as though choice was taken from me. When I awoke from the doctor ripping you out of me I could feel the gaping hole that you left within me. Never had I felt so empty before. A small cluster of tissue, they had said. To me you were my baby and I wanted to kill myself for allowing them to kill you. I have never gotten over your absence from my life. I think of you often, of what could have been. You would be turning 12 soon. My solace is that I know you are safe with Jesus. That He takes better care of you than I ever could. I long for the day that we will play together in heaven. I know that the moment I see you I will know exactly who you are. You are my dearest little one. My precious baby and I love you.
Love,
Ami
My Dearest Son, 

I was a 14 year old young boy. I was dating my first and only girlfriend I had ever had in my life. We started dating, if you could call it that, when I was 10 years old. Around 13 years old, we had become sexually active with each other. We were much too young to be doing this. One night, a bad thing happened. I got your mom pregnant. About 3 months later, a tragedy happened, she had an abortion. Clearly, I had a major role in this; I got a young girl pregnant. Unfortunately, I had another major role in this tragedy, I was greatly influential in convincing your mother to abort you (just writing these words my makes my heart cry out). She was very young as well, 15 years old. When we found out she was pregnant, we were kind of in shock. We really did not know what to do. In the beginning, we tried not to even talk about it very much because we were confused and completely unsure of the future. However, after a while we had to address our circumstances. I know deep in my heart that your mother did not want to have an abortion. But she was afraid. At that time what she needed was for me to step up and assure her that we would get through this and give her strength. What I did was step up and convince her that she should have an abortion. At this critical time, I was the pivotal person that sealed your fate. If I would have told her to not have the abortion and allow you to be born I am certain she would have and would have been over joyed. But I did not. I was 14 years old. I had no idea how I could be a father. I was still a boy and in high school. I could not imagine how she or I could possibly be parents. I was concerned about my future and what I thought was best for your mother's future. How would we finish school? How would we go to college? Instead of seeing you my son as a great blessing, I saw you as an inconvenience that could be an anchor on the great plans I had for my life. What a sin and what a tragedy my thinking was. After a full weekend of tears, fighting, anger, and incredible emotional turmoil, the decision was made. Your mother would have an abortion. I took her to Planned Parenthood. I had to wait outside. I was not allowed in. When she came out I took her home. After this we never spoke about it. We were both unsettled and rather traumatized by the whole thing, but being young we just moved on with our lives. Your mother and I were together for many years after this tragedy but eventually made lives for ourselves separate from each other. The decision to abort you is a one of the biggest regrets on my life. For the longest time, I just suppressed what had happened. It would pop into my mind but I would quickly push it aside. Perhaps this is my self-defense to handle what happened. I am really not sure. What I am sure about is that I DEEPLY REGRET having influenced your mother to abort you. I eventually married an amazing woman who would be your step mother. When we had our first child and his skin touched my mine as I first held him I was overcome with incredible emotion that I was not expecting or prepared for. While I always regretted the decision to help convince your mother to abort you, the moment I touched your brother the true gravity of that decision came over me like a tidal wave. I am not an emotional person, I have shed few tears in my life, but at that moment I cried out of love for your brother and the loss of you!! I had finally truly understood the horrible and heinous decision I made.
Your Loving, Adoring, and Deeply Sorry Father,
Sam
My Dearest Faith, Hope, and Grace; my sweet, sweet girls:

I don't know where to begin! I want to say that I miss you, but you all feel so close to me; like we've never been apart. I feel your warmth all around me. For so many years, it hurt, killed me, to even think of you, so I didn't. Out of sight, out of mind; but that was just one of the many lies I told myself to justify my actions. Girls, for so many years, I tried to fill the emptiness I felt with many things, but primarily food. Food made the pain go away, but only for a short time; so I'd frequently find myself in the kitchen or a fast food restaurant. As if I need to tell you, this behavior was not the answer to my pain. I'm sorry, girls, for thinking I could replace you with something so meaningless as food. I am sorry I ever let you go. I am sorry for allowing my confusion and fear to have such a strong hold on my life. Forgive me for the physical pain that I allowed to happen to your wee innocent bodies. Forgive me for being naive and selfish. Over the last year, God has slowly prepared me for this day of reconciliation with all of you, and all I can say is "Wow! Thank you, God." Faith - you, my dear, have taught me how to believe once again; which leads me to Hope. Hope, you have given and shown me that life is worth holding onto. Grace - you have taught me to love and forgive in a way that was previously unimaginable. 'Thank you' seems so inadequate, but you know in my heart how deep these words go. I love you girls with all my being, and I know you love me right back. Girls, I can't wait to have the biggest family group hug. I want you to know that your little lives were not taken in vain, and that for the remainder of my life here on this earth, I will do whatever it takes to help show the next hurting Mom or Dad how to reach for God's love, grace and mercy. Girls, I love you with all my being. My Lord and Savior, thank you for your indescribable love and patience, for your eternal hope and peace. Thank you for bringing me face-to-face with my girls and teaching me all about grace. Thank you for taking something so wrong and making it right. Thank you for loving and setting me free; thank you for giving you life just for me. Jesus, I thank you. And thank you, most of all, for the man I married and the father of our girls. Thank you for being the center of our marriage and the father of our girls. Thank you for being the center of our marriage and healing the unhealable. Thank you for making our family complete and using our girls to bring the unity I've so longed for. Girls, until I hold you in my arms, I rest knowing that you couldn't be in a greater place. I love you with every fiber of my body! 
Love,
Mommy



Please remember my sister Caitlyn's baby: Amara Deidre Grace  - 1998

My sister Caitlyn would want her baby to be remembered if she were alive today. She committed suicide ten years ago after desperately telling our mom she had killed her child seven years before that. The lives that have been lost, and those lives we loved, there are absolutely no words for the sorrow. I pray every day that God has forgiven her and taken her into His arms. It was after that devastating day I changed my mind about "choice" forever. Not only had my sister kept that despairing secret for years that she killed her baby, it ended up killing her. My parents lost their daughter and grandchild and I lost my sister and niece or nephew to this holocaust. God forgive us, and we wish we could say this gets easier or that it will ever make sense why there isn't more of an outcry against this evil. I have been spreading news of The Life Ballet and I pray you receive the widespread attention this film much deserves. My parents, and much of my family look forward to seeing it. There isn't a day that goes by where you don't think about abortion and its aftermath. We miss them.



Dear Faith and Hope, 

I aborted Faith in the summer of 1979 and Hope in May of 1980. In 1979, life was very different than it is today -- in that there was no internet, no Google, the only source of information was the news, newspapers and magazines. We believed a lot of what we were told only to find out later much of it was lies.
My parents had split when I was 15 and my Dad was running around with my best friend who at the time was 16. I had begun living a life looking for acceptance and love anywhere I could find it. I was petite, cute and had very large breasts - which always got me attention. I soon realized that there was power and control in sex and for a few minutes I could feel loved even if when it was over I felt used and hurt. I used recreational drugs, pot, cocaine, queloods and drank. A frequent partier in the bar and club scene -- all trying to fill the void deep in my heart. When I was pregnant with Faith, I had been on birth control pills, so when I was told I was pregnant I was also told that since I got pregnant on the pill I would need to terminate. Honestly, I was in a fog and really didn't know what that meant - they sent me to PP. This exam was the first ob/gyn exam I ever had and I went by myself. They (PP) told me what to do, where to go, and how much money to bring. I did as they said - thinking to myself if the Dr says it's okay and the government says it's okay - it must be...right???? A year later I was pregnant again, with Hope, and I was told due to some medical issues that I would not be able to carry the baby to term and that if I tried I was putting my life at risk. This time I went to the hospital where my insurance paid for everything. The next 19 years were filled with regret, shame, embarrassment, self loathing, anger, depression, suicidal, drinking and drugs as I came to grips with the reality of what abortion really was and what I had done. So my dear Faith and Hope, I believe that the two of you interceded on my behalf and helped me get to a healing retreat - Rachel's Vineyard Retreats for post abortion healing. On that weekend, I recognized you as my beloved children, safe in the loving hands and care of our heavenly Father. It was on the weekend in 1999, that I named you and accepted not only your forgiveness but the forgiveness of God and on that weekend I promised both of you that I would spend the rest of my life fighting for the babies who have no voice and for their mothers who feel alone and helpless and as if they have no other choice. You are such a part of my heart everyday. I was eventually able to carry your sister to full term and to life. She has been the joy of my life and it is also because of her that I sought healing. My three girls! She also remembers and honors you as she can and we have Christmas ornaments and little signs around our home with the names Faith and Hope. You are not forgotten. You are loved and I will honor you in the work that I do until we are together.
Love,
Mom

The Second Silent Victim: My Abortion Story By Greta

This is my story. As painful as this story is to tell, it is also my story of forgiveness, mercy and redemption that God has showed me. It has been a process of over 30 yrs as God has help me heal from this pain. Abortion carries much emotional pain for woman. Writing my testimony down has been a tremendous healing process for me. He has peeled away the layers of pain little by little to help me heal. I owe everything I am and will become to my Heavenly Father. He is still working in me. My story is not to put down my parents, for as imperfect as they were, they were flawed human beings just like me. They had their own issues and dysfunctions they had to deal with, but as a young girl you don't see things that way. You just want to be unconditionally loved, accepted, and protected by your parents. Having said that it still DOES NOT justify their actions. Being forced to go through something that goes against everything you know is wrong brought a lot of emotional pain to me. I learned later on in my life, in Psalm 27: 10, that even when my Father and my Mother forsake me, (even by their actions) then the Lord will pick me up. This is my story, expressed with emotions that I felt during this time. A raw & honest look at what abortion does to your soul? I hope my story will help those to heal from the pain of abortion or someone who finds themselves faced with an unexpected pregnancy, unsure of what to do, to choose LIFE not death.

I did not grow up in a Christian home, nor did I know God really did love me. I had not experience His love or understand it, but later on down the road, in my journey through all my pain and shame, He would rescue me, and began to reveal His unconditional love for me. I had just turned 17 in August of 1978. and was starting my Junior year in high school. In the Fall of 1978, I was pretty sure I was pregnant, even though I hadn't been to the doctors as of yet. I had met a guy, and as a teen girl I fell for him, and believed I was really in love with him, and eventually our relationship lead to a sexual one. As much as it pains me now the feelings he felt for me were one sided, but I could not even admit this to myself at the time because I was so desperate for the need to be loved and accepted. When you don't receive that unconditional love at home you do look elsewhere for it. It pains me now to see how willing I was to compromise my morals to feel loved. When I told him that I was pretty sure I was pregnant, and needed to tell my parents, he didn't know what to do either, but I could tell he did not want the responsibility. It was very hard to open up to my parents, especially my Mom. (I did not grow up in a household where you were always free to speak up, voice an opinion, or even share your feelings). I also did not have a close relationship with my Mom either, so telling her this was difficult. Even being adopted I never felt like I was really of any value. Because the roots of rejection had started very early in my life, my feelings of self -worth were pretty low growing up. It took me a long time to forgive my parents (particularly my Mom) for their choice of putting me through this abortion, forcing me to abort my baby, and for forgiving myself for having allowed it.

Anyway, I did finally get the nerve to tell my Mom. Surprisingly she didn't yell at me, so I thought the hard part was over. Well little did I know. She proceeded to make an appointment with an out of town doctor. He confirmed what I already knew in my heart, and from the symptoms I was experiencing, but tried to deny. I was pretty sure I was close to 12 wks. along at least, but for some reason, it has been blocked from my memory the exact number of weeks. Now I thought, Mom knows, and now it was confirmed by the doctor, so I just wanted someone to help me through this pregnancy. We met back in the doctor's private office to talk. To my shock and dismay, my Mom just point blank asked the doctor if he would perform an abortion, without telling or asking me how I felt about it. The doctor did say NO!! This was the first time I heard this from her lips. She never shared her plans? with me. I was so frightened and felt so alone. I felt unable to speak up for myself. I didn't want an abortion, I just wanted her to wrap her arms around me, and say everything will be o.k. We will help you through this. I never thought she would put me through this, especially coming from an adopted family. After all she couldn't have her own children, so why would she want me to abort my baby?? Her future grandchild. How could this be even an option for her?? Especially coming from an adopted family where you were supposed to feel loved and WANTED. I just could not understand this. ( I felt like the Lord did show me later on in my life, that she was angry at God himself because she couldn't have her own children, so she wasn't going to let me have mine, but at the time I could not understand this). I felt and I knew I was an embarrassment to her & Dad, and she was going to do all she could to get rid of this problem. They both set me down, and told me this was the best option, but for who?? They told me that the baby would grow up hating me, etc. and a bunch of other excuses to justify their decision. ( Later on in my life, I started to believe their lies as truth. But it never made me feel better about what happened.) I felt so alone, trapped & scared. Yes, this was what they thought was the best decision for them, but not me. I wanted to run away, but I had no where to go, and no one to run to. I wanted this baby with all my heart. I felt I would have someone to love, and someone who would love me back. I never believed in abortion or even thought of this as an option, yet here I was being forced to have one. I felt trapped and felt I had no options but to follow their pans for me. I would later blame myself for not being strong enough to fight against this choice they made for me. I felt weak and unable to speak up for myself. I truly felt like a lamb led to the slaughter.

Well, Mom made the appointment for Friday, Dec. 1, 1978 changed me forever. I felt terrified and alone. I remember sitting in the clinic's counseling room, with a room full of other women. Everything they told me was a blur. I was terrified. I remember almost passing out due to fear. I was asked if I was o.k. but being afraid to speak up, I slowly nodded yes, but I wanted to scream NO I AM NOT! I was totally scared out of my mind. I really felt so alone. Eventually I was given some kind of medication. As I was lead to the room where the procedure was to take place, I just wanted someone to come in and rescue me. It never happened. I can remember laying on that cold table and looking up to the ceiling crying, the nurse holding me down as the abortion doctor sucked my baby out of me with a horrible sounding instrument. They may as well of sucked the life out of me that day as well, because something else died within me that day, not just my baby. I was FOREVER changed. Afterwards they lead me to a room for recovery with cheap recliners, and gave me juice and crackers. They then sent me home with birth control pills. I went home that day a changed person. My Mom made sure it was her mission to make sure I got my little pill every night. She made sure she had control of that. I felt de- humanized. Life went on normal for everyone else but me. No one acknowledged my pain. I may of looked o.k. on the outside, but inside I was dying and I slipped into a huge depression. I felt so empty. I silently grieved over a baby I would never hold, MY baby. I didn't care if I lived or died, because as far as I felt I was already dead. I once again fell back into a sexual relationship with this boy, but being on the pill I knew the risk of pregnancy was eliminated. Who cared if he didn't love me, I didn't love myself. I also started to do drugs to numb my pain. Eventually our relationship ended.

As I started my Senior year in 1979, I met Paul. Later on he would become my husband. He made me feel loved and valued. He was different than other guys. He really loved ME. I fell in love with him too. We dated my whole Senior year, and I made plans to move out as soon as I graduated. (We were not yet Christians) I still had trouble receiving that love from Paul a lot of the time because I had not dealt with my feelings of unworthiness and so I had a lot of difficulty believing and accepting that I was worthy of anyone's love BUT God was working in me in ways I didn't now yet.

In 1982, We found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited, but also SO scared. I knew about God, but I still did not understand how much he loved me. I felt like God might not think I deserved to have another chance to have a baby after what happen the first time. I almost felt like at any given time He could cause me to lose my baby if he wanted. This did remain a underlying fear in me through out my pregnancy. I did give birth Dec. 20,1982 to a beautiful, healthy little girl who we named Jennifer Marie. In April 30,1985 I gave birth to another beautiful, healthy little girl who we named Jaclyn Christine. GOD IS SO GOOD !! I loved these two precious little girls with all my heart. I felt SO blessed to have them. All I wanted to be was a Mommy and raise our family with Paul. At times I did become over protective with my girls maybe more so than most Moms would of. I always just wanted to protect them from any harm. I know at times I had an unhealthy sense of control too, which I regret to this day, but God showed me it went back to the feelings I had prior to having my abortion, having had NO control in protecting my unborn baby at that time.

As I look back, I can't imagine how sad my Heavenly Father must have been, seeing me go through all this without me knowing that He DID love me in spite of what happened. He saw my pain. I really didn't know Jesus loved me. I wanted him to love me, but I didn't know if he would accept me after all the poor choices, and bad things I had done. I knew I was a sinner, nobody didn't need to tell me that. Eventually Paul and I decided to start searching for a good bible Believing church. I wanted to bring my girls up to know God. It took us going to several different churches over a course of time before we found the right one. In our quest to find a church, we did find one where the gospel message was preached, and an invitation was given to come up to the altar and to ask Jesus Christ into your lives. Like I said before, I knew I was a sinner, but would God really accept me? One Sunday I did go forward at the invitation, as well as Paul. I asked the Lord to forgive me and come into my life and I know he did, but I still struggled in my new found faith. When I became a born-again Christian it still took me a long time to fully believe God had forgiven me for THIS sin. Even tho it was not my choice to abort my baby I still carried this guilt. I had carried so much shame and guilt for so many years. This was my secret shame. I continued to go to church for years with this secret. Satan would constantly bombard me with guilt and shame over my abortion . I still did not feel safe to open up to anyone. I had a hard time trusting anyone with my pain. When the subject of abortion came up I would be flooded with guilt & shame all over again. I found myself constantly asking God to forgive me again, as if I wasn't sincere enough the first or last time I asked. I learned to keep my secret shame to myself. What would people think if they really knew the REAL me?? I didn't realize it yet, but I still had a hard time really accepting anyone's love completely even God's. After all He adopted me into his family, but what if He changed his mind?? I've seen that happen in my adoptive family. I felt like the Lord showed me I was scared of intimacy ( especially emotional) and had trust issues. He saw how my trust was violated by parents who were suppose to protect me. I had put up walls just in case, to protect myself. But God was still working in me, He never gave up on me, and Oh how thankful I am!!!

Many years later we felt lead to join another church. They preached the word on a totally new level. I was hungry for the Word and to grow deeper in my relationship with the Lord. I had stumbled and fell in many areas in my walk with the Lord, and I was more serious about my walk with God like never before. God knew I still had issues of the heart I needed for Him to heal completely. He lead me to get some godly counsel and lead me to join a post abortion Bible study called Forgiven and Set Free. There I learned I was NOT alone, and God was MORE than willing to heal me of these past hurts. I actually got to grieve over my baby. My grief was no different than anybody else's grief over the loss of a baby, whether by miscarriage or stillbirth, but it had always been cloaked in a garment of shame. We were encouraged to even name our baby, and I chose Rachel for a girl, and Noah if it was a boy. I will always wonder what could have been, but I know my baby is in the arms of Jesus waiting for me to meet him or her. My baby would have been 32 as I write this (2011). I can't help but wonder what could have been and would I of had a little girl (Rachel) or a boy (Noah). Only the Lord knows. This sweet, innocent baby never had the chance to be born, to grow up and be something important for God.

I learned that God has always been willing to save me. That is why He sent his only begotten Son Jesus Christ to die and shed His precious blood for me, a sinner so undeserving of His mercy & grace, but He freely gave it to me anyway. Forgiving myself for the mistakes I made was MUCH harder, as well as forgiving those involved in making this choice for me. Until I forgave myself I couldn't fully receive God's forgiveness, but not because He was unwilling. He has taught me to forgive myself and has helped me to forgive my parents, especially Mom. Even though she still denies and pretends this never happened, and has never acknowledged my pain, I leave it in God's hands. He has promised to work all things out for His glory, and I believe He is still in the process of doing this. He has forgiven me of SO much. Even if I never had an abortion I was still in need of a Savior. I had missed the mark completely. I had sinned against a Holy God. Even after I have accepted Christ, I have fallen and made mistakes I am not proud of. Every time He has proven himself faithful to me and has forgiven me without hesitation. It is my desire to be a vessel of honor for the Lord and if He can use a cracked pot like me to shine through all the glory goes to Him. As stated in the book of Isaiah 61 ... The Lord God has healed my broken heart, given me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and has given me the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. What a tender, caring, loving Heavenly Father I have. He has redeemed my life from destruction, He has crown me with loving kindness and tender mercies. (Psalm 103: 4)

For the Bible says , All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned everyone to his own way, and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. ( Isaiah 53:6 ); I, even I, am He that blotted out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. ( Isaiah 43:25); As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgression from us (Psalm 103:12) I LOVE Psalm 103 it is one of my favorite; Come now let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow. Though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. ( Isaiah 1:18); There is none righteous, not one, For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:10,23); If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ( 1 John 1:9 )

The Bible is full of God's love for us. He sent his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, that whosoever would believe in him, would not perish (go to Hell) but would have everlasting life. (In Heaven!!!) John 3:16. THIS IS MERCY! In the book of John, the Word says and
ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. The truth is abortion is WRONG, regardless of the circumstance. No matter how people, government, or society in general tries to justify it. It is not a CHOICE, it is MURDER of the unborn. The Bible says in Psalms 139: 14 that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, my substance was not hidden from thee, when I was made in secret your eyes did see my unformed substance, yet being imperfect, and in thy book all the days were written before they took shape, when yet there was none of them. How precious are your thoughts toward thee.

God sees that precious little one in the womb, growing everyday. He sees all the changes. Just because you can not see the baby being formed does not make it any less human. Life does begin at conception. All life, regardless of the stage of development it is in, whether unborn or born is precious in God's eyes. I am living proof that God can forgive and redeem what the enemy has stolen. All you have to do is ask God to forgive you, it really is that simple. We make it hard. You must acknowledge this as sin. You must repent of your sin and see it the way God sees it …. in this case, see abortion as murder. The blood that Jesus shed on the cross is more than sufficient to cleanse you from ALL sin, not just abortion.

All praise and glory goes to my God who promises to work ALL thing out for my good, for those that love God, and are called according to His purpose. I hope my story helps any woman that has been hurt by the lie of abortion, and still suffers in silence. Whether you made this choice willingly or was forced into this decision like myself, forgiveness is available. God WANTS to FORGIVE you. God WANTS to HEAL you. He LOVES you unconditionally. Abortion has a second victim apart from the obvious. Let's speak up for the unborn and help these woman heal. What Satan meant for my destruction, God will use for His Glory.




My Dear Children,

I have named you Jeremy Thomas or Joshua Stephen and/or Stephanie Victoria or Crystal Dawn. I have battled many years through the thoughts of what could of, should of and what might have been. The Lord has granted me favor in the knowledge that you are in His presence and we will be united in all of eternity. We have been knitted together to everlasting and everlasting. I no longer cry in my soul, but look forward to seeing you again. I love you!!! 
LOL, Mom


To My Precious Son, Isaiah Nathaniel,

I pray my heart will never again know the grief I carried for so long after I made the decision to end your life in April of 1996. I was 19 yrs old and so naive, scared and selfish. I was in such a dark place in my life, searching for something to fill the empty places in my heart. At the time I became pregnant with you, I had left my family and friends and your father was all I thought I had. He let me know without a doubt that I could not give birth to you or he would leave me. Leave me to be alone in a new city with no friends/family around. I was terrified. When I finally decided to go through with the decision to abort you, my mind, body and soul instantly switched to autopilot. I began going through the motions day to day, making the appt, taking the necessary steps without really thinking about it, just doing it. As if I was in someone else's body looking in. I had no emotion; no feeling. I already felt nothing. I was already trying to protect myself (so I thought) from what I believe I knew would happen. I would spiral downward, with no hope, no life, not ever finding the answer to my endless searching. The awful day you were ripped from my womb, not only your life but also a part of me died that day. Even though for the next 12 years I tried as hard as I could not to think about it, not telling anyone or even entertaining memories, I never forgot you my son. As I went on to give birth to your 2 younger sisters, the thoughts of how old you would be, what you would look like and what kind of big brother you would be flooded my mind. Again, I had to shut them off. There was too much pain, guilt and shame. I had made the biggest mistake of my life that I would regret until my last day on this earth and I knew that with all of my being. I took your life Isaiah, your precious life that had such great purpose that was planned by God from before the first days were in existence. I wounded so many with my selfish choice; I negatively impacted the future with my horrible choice. It has been 16 yrs since I lost you and the regret and grief has not subsided. Although, as I write this letter to you today on April 23, 2012 I have confidence and walk in the truth that I have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father and also by you, my one and only son. I have asked for your forgiveness too many times to count and I know without a doubt you forgave me even before I asked, how precious you are. I thank you for the times you have appeared to me; as if you are truly standing there. I have seen your handsome face and even heard your voice calling out to me. I believe you have given that gift to me, to bring me peace and comfort. You are so very thoughtful. Although I do know you are in the best place one could imagine, sitting in the lap of God, holding the hand of Jesus and waiting on me and your family to arrive. It does not stop the frequent thoughts of you and how your life would be. You would be learning to drive now, playing sports I am sure and I know you would be such an incredible big brother to your sisters that love you so much. They both accepted you the moment they were made aware that you existed. They tell others that they have a brother in heaven. You have truly impacted their lives even though you are not here on earth. Yours is a common name in our household; you hold a precious place in the hearts of all of us. You have a garden and several memorial pieces around the house and around my neck. You are remembered daily, Isaiah Nathaniel! As you know, I have dedicated my life to speaking out on behalf of those that cannot speak for themselves, the unborn. Just as you were growing in my womb, a baby, a life created by God. I speak out to end the innocent bloodshed of one more life being destroyed by the lies this world and I at one time believed. I purpose to wake up every day asking the Holy Spirit to send someone into my life that I may share my testimony, of you Isaiah and my choice, my healing and my forgiveness through Christ. It is my hearts deepest desire to see other individuals healed from their choice to abort their child (ren) just as I did. To show them through my life, there is hope and that God is a God of mercy and grace and remembers their sin no more. Not long ago when I was overcome with grief and I was crying myself to sleep, missing you. I cried out to your Poppa - Why? Why did I abort him? and his answer was for God to use the testimony He has given me to help END abortion and to help bring healing to this land. The very purpose and plan that God has for my life, to honor you is the reason you are not here with me!! So, even in your death son you have brought life into this dark world. Until I see you in Heaven, when I pick you up in my arms and hold you, as my arms so long to do you will forever live in my heart. For every beat my heart takes, is your heartbeat too!
Eternally your Momma,
Misty


Dear Alex: To My First Precious Son

It's been seven years but the day feels like yesterday when you were taken from me. I was only 17 when I became pregnant with you. I was young and thought I was in love. When I found out I was pregnant, I was actually happy but scared at the same time. I actually wanted you. I decided to talk to my school counselor to help me. She threatened to tell my mom if I didn't. So I had to tell her. After that, I was told by close family and friends even school counselors that its IMPOSSIBLE for me to keep you. That abortion was my ONLY option. When you are that young and you have close people tell you that you do not have a choice, you believe it. I really felt like keeping you just wasn't a choice because I was manipulated. They lied to me when they told me abortion is not wrong. But I didn't know until it was to late. But to let you know, I stood my ground for you as long as I could that it didn't happen until I was eight weeks pregnant with you. That day was like a horror film that I replay time from time in my mind. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did because I felt that it was selfish if I did. I didn't want to live. Life meant nothing to me because you were not in it. I was always reminded of you. Until I went to a post abortion Bible study it gave me healing. I actually was able to forgive myself because I know you forgave me and most importantly my heavenly father forgave me and he reassured me that you were safe in his heavenly kingdom. That one day I will be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much mommy loves you. I keep a box with things from the Bible study to remember you. You will forever live in my heart until the day I get to meet you. You have two wonderful brothers. Alex and Dominic. You would of made an awesome big brother! See being pregnant two more times wasn't easy. I had people again telling me to get rid of them that I would have nothing and be nothing. You saved their lives. I had a choice this time and I don't regret them. Now I'm doing better than ever. I have a good job, a nice apartment and a nice car. I defeated the devil. I hope and want God to use me to show other women that we have choices when we are pregnant. That no matter what the circumstances are if you put your trust and love into Him, He will show you the way. He did for me! 
Until We Meet Again Son,
Your Mommy


My Dear Sweet Adrian, 

Heartbreak is a daily thing now. How I wish a million times over I could undo the wrong I did to you. I remember everything about that day. I felt when they took you from me and that is a feeling that will haunt me the rest of my life. All I want to is to protect you, to comfort you and to hold you. I was so afraid of what others might think, your daddy was too. So we made the worst decision we will probably make in our entire life, up giving you to Jesus, before we even knew you. You are my rock and my angel. Because of you I am stronger and no longer fear what others think. I long for the day to meet you and hold you. Until then I will continue to help those who have made "that" choice. I love you with every part of my being and I know you are happy in heaven. I love you Adrian Samuel.
Love you, Your Mommy


For My Aborted Sibling

My name is Renee, and I am the oldest of 5. Sadly, I have never met the youngest, a little boy (brother number 3) named Joseph Michael. He died by abortion when I was only 10, although I did not find out until nearly 11 years later. My poor mom had to keep that secret for so long. I have known for just over 6 years, and I am really struggling with it. I have come to the point where I realize that a lot of the issues I have, are made much worse by what I went through regarding the abortion. While I have always been more of an internalizer, this is becoming harder, and I am starting to seek out healing. Easier said than done, I am discovering, as most post abortion support groups only have programs for the parents. It is sincerely my prayer that more awareness will be brought to the suffering of the siblings. My siblings and I have had to silently deal with the pain of hearing people speak ill of women choosing an abortion. We know firsthand that sometimes it is done in a desperate time, and to spare the baby from a life of suffering. My mom was widowed in June of 1994 at the age of 30. I was 10, and the youngest, at the time (baby number 4), was only two. A few months later, she met a man, and became pregnant unexpectedly. I know very little about that time for her, as I was very young, and had no idea that my little brother was growing in her belly. But we were living with my grandparents, and I do not know how they would have handled the news. Also, maybe my mom did not feel capable of caring for yet another baby, who the doctor said may have health issues (from what I believe). While she knew it was wrong, she believed that the baby would be better off in heaven, free from suffering. While I hate that my mom (and brother) went through that, I admire her greatly for all the strength she has shown. She now understands what some of these women are going through, when they consider abortion, and has used her experiences to help them choose life. She also has used the pain she feels over my brother, to help those mourning the loss of their own babies, aborted or miscarried. I pray for the strength to one day be able to reach out to other siblings like myself. I have actually tried to avoid the pro life movement, at times, mostly for two reasons: one, it makes me think more of my brother, and the horrible way he died, and two, I am very defensive of my mom, and am afraid that some of these people will judge her harshly. I also do not want her to have to deal with any extra sadness or regrets. But as I said before, she is a very strong woman. I have heard it said by quite a few people that my mom should keep the abortion secret. What about her reputation? In their view, it will make others decide to follow her, and do the same. Or turn against her, and stop trusting and/or respecting her. Well, I can speak for myself, my siblings and at least one very dear friend, that the exact opposite is true!! I hate that she had to bear that by herself for so long, and am so grateful that she told us. It has made her a more compassionate, sympathetic, less judgmental person. It made me listen more when she was talking about pro life things, or prayers and sympathy for the abortive ones, knowing that she is actually been in their position. She has come so far. I am also thankful she told us, because although we ended up going through unexpected mourning, we as siblings are now more aware of the horror of abortion. All these years I never knew we were personally touched by it. As I said, finding out caused such shock and grief. I remember the night that she told us, we were all talking in the living room, because she said she had something important to discuss. I remember my heart started pounding, more and more. We were shocked to discover that she had been pregnant after the fourth baby. Our dad had died, and there were only four of us children with her, so where was the last one? Did I have a sibling given up for adoption, that I could possibly reconnect with (as went through my head at times while watching or reading about it), or did she miscarry? Abortion never crossed my mind, because we knew she was so against it. But she admitted that that is what happened. I did not give into the tears that threatened, as I have always been very guarded with my emotions. Very quickly the four of us went up to her and hugged her. Comforting her and assuring her that we loved her. We found out a few things, such as the father, and the date. Apparently, the anniversary was only a few weeks away. In just a few weeks, Valentines Day to be exact, it would be 11 years since that horrible event. Apparently she chose that night, because going out, then, would not likely arouse suspicion. Years later it brought me such pain to think that that night before she left, when I gave her a hug, I also hugged my little brother inside, but the next time I hugged her, it was just her alone. How sad she must have been. And how innocent and unaware I was. That Valentines Day was hard, but so refreshing in some ways. Between the death of my father and then, I noticed that she made an extra effort to make it a pleasant day for us, AND THOUGHT SHE DID IT TO SOFTEN THE BLOW OF NOT HAVING OUR DAD AROUND. WHEN I REALIZED THE PAINFUL SIGNIFICANCE OF THE DAY, I STARTED TRYING TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL, PEACEFUL DAY FOR HER. What stands out the most from that night are two sweet memories. The first is that mom made us a yummy cake for dessert. And on it were 6 hearts. 1 big, and 5 small. A mama surrounded by her babies. For the first time ever, mom was able to admit that she was a mother of 5. She did not have to ignore my brother that night! And we were comfortable with it too. The other sweet memory associated with that night is that we decided to play the lottery, and being aware of a new heavenly intercessor, we asked Joey to pray for us, and we won $10!! The most money we have ever won in the lottery! Thanks, Joey! Now multiply that by a small million please! :) For a while after finding out, I had such a deep sadness that I could not identify at first. I felt like I did when I lost one of my nursing home friends, but nobody had recently died. What was up? Then I realized it was my brother. I was grieving the loss of a little sibling, that up until then had not existed (that I was aware of). How strange. How could I possibly feel so strongly for someone I never met, or even knew about? As I mentioned before, I am not an emotional person, so these feelings were extra unappreciated. I felt stupid for grieving 11 years later. He was long gone, I should not feel anything. But, that is not how it works. Over time, I felt that sadness less frequently, but still, 6 years later I feel twinges at times. I have also, at times, felt completely at peace with our situation, and at other times, have seriously forgotten about him. That, I believe, is often a defense mechanism. Whether I am thinking about him or not, I noticed that I am more sensitive to some things than I was before. For example, I feel pain/jealousy seeing others becoming big brothers and sisters. I experienced that three times, only, and never will again. I am also very sensitive to my youngest brother being complimented, etc by mom. Feeling like he is getting the bulk of the attention, because he is the last baby she will have. Deep down, I know it is false, but it is still a frequent struggle. Another struggle is forgiving/moving on. When I first found out about my brother, I can not remember much about how I felt about his father. As I have gotten older, though, I have felt so betrayed by him. We loved him like a stepfather for quite a few years. How dare he try to take care of us, and help raise us, when he did not even keep his own flesh and blood alive. This was especially hard for me to come to terms with, because I, too, was conceived out of wedlock. But my dad did the right thing, and married my mom (before I was born). It just feels strange. Why was I okay to keep, but my brother was not? I have made great progress in this area, but still have need of more healing. This is only a small bit of my experiences as a sibling of an aborted baby, but I am sharing this in the hopes that others can be comforted knowing that they are not alone. Or perhaps a sibling like me will be in denial, and reading my story, they will realize their need for healing, and get it. My prayer is that we can feel at least some of the peace that our siblings do, as they await our arrival in heaven. What a nice meeting that will be, and while we had the misfortune of being separated on earth, we will have all eternity to catch up! To any parents reading this, please give your kids the benefit of the doubt, and tell them about their lost sibling(s). It may strengthen your relationship as it did ours. You should not have to keep your baby(ies) a secret. For those who are not directly affected, I thought I would give you a small idea what we are going through, in case you happen to connect with us. All who read this will be in my prayers.





Beatrice's Story
Abortion Did Not Help Me Graduate


When I was eighteen, I started college and I became pregnant. My boyfriend said: "you have to get rid of that". I was shocked for I thought we would get married. And everybody was telling me that having a baby in College would keep me from graduating. So I went to a clinic and I took abortive pills against my will.

I flushed my baby in the toilet and it was horrifying. And it didn’t help me to graduate. It’s been nineteen years and to this day, I don’t have a degree. After the procedure, I started to experience severe depression and anxiety disorder. I hardened my heart and I became a pro-choice advocate to help me cope with the situation.

Seven years later, I got pregnant again. The father was twice my age and he was abusive. Abortion was the quick fix solution to protect myself and my baby from the abuser. So I went to a clinic and in great anxiety, I was put to sleep. When I woke up with blood on my legs, I burst into tears and I was inconsolable. I sank deeper and deeper into depression and suicidal thoughts.

Then, I met my husband and he brought Jesus into my life but I was still hurting. When I was pregnant with our first child, my abortions resurfaced and the guilt was overwhelming.

I went to counseling and I started to heal. Later, I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat and finally, I was able to forgive myself and find peace.

Abortion promised to free me from two crisis situations and instead, it has nearly destroyed me. But there is hope for all those who are hurting and it is for them that I am Silent No More.



Brice's Story

In December of 1998, I was 23 years old. I lived with my parents and worked at a non-profit in the DC area. I was dating a DC rock icon, and that was, to me, the most important part of my life. Together, my boyfriend and I drank a LOT. So I was never surprised to wake up feeling hungover. Until the day I felt hungover without having partied the night before. Half way through the day, something clicked. I looked at a calendar. I had missed my period. I took a pregnancy test that night and was not the least bit surprised to see that it was positive. When I called Brian to share the news, he simply said, “Let’s take care of it.” I WAS SO RELIEVED. I felt so lucky to have such a caring boyfriend who wouldn’t make me face this “choice” on my own. He reassured me, “Don’t worry, I’ve done this before.” PHEW. So lucky!

When we arrived at the clinic, I checked in and Brian paid for the procedure with his band’s AMEX. That actually made me laugh. It was a little over seven hundred dollars, because I was lucky enough to be able to afford to be anesthetized for the procedure. So lucky. I remember very little about the procedure. I remember the abortionist introduced himself (though I didn’t feel like I was making the best first impression, there on the table in nothing but a surgical gown) and the nurse inserted my IV. He told me he had a daughter and actually started talking to me about mutual interests that she and I had. In retrospect, I am so disgusted. This father was making a living sucking the life out of women, and had the nerve to mention his own daughter to me. As he performed an ultrasound, he looked over my shoulder—the screen was behind me—and said, “Perfect! You’re just about eight or nine weeks.” Obviously I knew nothing about fetal development, but I felt so lucky that I was “just about eight or nine weeks.” And shortly thereafter, I fell asleep. When I awoke, I was being wheeled to the recovery room. I was helped into a recliner. Then I sat, in a room full of recliners, with girls who obviously couldn’t afford the anesthesia, who were all sobbing. I felt so lucky sitting in that room, thinking I must be the only one with such a wonderful boyfriend who would help me through this. When I had waited long enough, Brian picked me up. He had been at Home Depot to pass the time. Seriously. He was considering home improvements while a child of mine (maybe not his) was being killed. It really was no big deal. I was so lucky.

After napping I was raring to get back out to the bar scene. There was not enough whiskey in DC to satisfy me that night, or any night for many months following. When I woke up the morning after my abortion, Brian asked how I slept. I said, “Like a baby.” He said, “You mean like a baby KILLER?!” So. Lucky. For months after that, I knew nothing except that I wanted to die. Death was the only certain escape from the horrific pit that had formed in my soul. I begged for therapy. I screamed for help. But only inside. How could I admit what I had done?

So I buried it. No one else needed to know. No one else needed to judge me as harshly as I had come to judge myself.

I trudged through several more years, feeling happy at times and doomed at others. One day I was running and listening to a homily by Fr. Larry Richards about Confession. He said (loosely), “If you’ve had an abortion, confess it. Your child is praying for you in Heaven.” My chest heaved with uncontrollable sobs and I ran home to arrange an appointment for Confession with my dear Priest. There in the confessional, heaving with sobs once more, I truly expected to be struck by lightning. I now sat there acknowledging that I was guilty of the worst sin possible, murder. My dear Priest smiled and handed me a box of tissues and said, “God is so happy you are here. You will be forgiven, but you need healing.” He then proceeded to tell me about Rachel’s Vineyard, a ministry aimed towards healing from abortion.

My recovery retreat was a sincerely life-changing experience and I thank God for it. I thank God for Father Roux, for Father Frank and Rachel’s Vineyard, for my loving husband Mike and our amazing four children, and for YOU. I thank God for the entire pro-LIFE movement. I wouldn’t wish my experience on the least of my enemies.

Saint Gianna Beretta Molla, pray for us.



Dear Jennifer, Daniel and Rebecca:

I am sorry that I chose to have your lives ended. So sorry that I believed the lies that you weren't really babies, and allowed the pressure from my Mom and your Dad's Jennifer and Daniel to convince me abortion was ok. It was so wrong, and you didn't deserve to die. Please forgive me, and pray I will be a strong voice for you until my last breath on earth. Pray I will save and rescue other children from abortion too. I love you so much, and look forward to seeing you again in heaven! Pray for your brother Shawn...for his salvation too.
A Letter of Regret to My Daughter:
Warm tears roll down my cheeks today (Feb. 19). Not because I am ridden with shame anymore, but because I miss you. Or better yet, I long to meet you face to face. This week has been different than in years past. I guess every year has looked different. Some years on this day, my heart was as cold as ice. No feelings. No tears. I didn't know or I denied that I cared about you. And yet other years, I was ridden with shame and only thought of myself mostly, and not you. On this day, years ago, I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor weeping uncontrollably in remorse for what I had done to you. Horrific images flashed into my mind. Some years I ignored the history and the mark that your life made on this day. And yet other years on this day, I was filled with anger. In the most recent years, I was filled with gratitude as new history was made on this day as a sign from the Lord that He had heard my prayers, saw my tears, and was making all things new. He showed me His mercy and He allowed me to honor you. 22 years. That is how old you would be this year if only my choice were different all those years ago. Today I am looking back over all that the Good Lord has done.Tears that warmly roll down my face and drop onto my chest are a reminder that you were and still are very real. You were not just some mass of tissue but yet you were treated that way. You were loved then. God loved you when I didn't. I love you now, and by the grace of God I have been changed. 22 years ago I signed papers that meant death for you and a life of regret for me. I didn't know. My pride and fear were in the way. I didn't know then, that one day I would desire to wish you Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, or tell you that I am proud of you or I love you. I just didn't know. Knowledge is power. Not just earthly knowledge, but the wisdom and knowledge that only the Lord can offer, is power. It has the power to set a person free, to lead us down the straight and narrow path and to make the right choices. It has the power to impact a person's entire history and eternal future. Well, I can't go back and undo the choices I made 22 years ago but I have the knowledge now to do something about it for the sake of others. I had the choice to stay under the burden of sin, shame, fear, pride and torment or to reach out to The One Who Saves..this time, I made the right choice! My daughter, through much repentance and Grace, I know that forgiveness has been rendered by you and the Lord and for that, my heart is overflowing with peace. But that doesn't change the fact that today, I am a little bit sad. Sad that I missed out on you! I will not deny the fact that because of your life, mine was changed and through Jesus, I know I will see you one day. I know there will be no tears in heaven, but tears are a consequence for choices made while here on earth. I won't ignore sadness and I will feel this emotion. I walked into this building 22 years ago with you alive, well and growing inside of me. I am sorry for not protecting you. I am sorry for aborting you. I am sorry for all of the years that I denied you existed. I am sorry for the mistake I made. I am sorry for not letting you live. I am sorry I ever walked into this building. It will forever be etched in my mind as your grave. Today, on year 22, I honor you Samantha Joy. And not just on today, but every day from here on out,because you are my child and I love you!  Until we meet in Paradise, 
Love, 
Mom (Paula Ellefson)
“On this day, years ago, I was curled up in the fetal position on my kitchen floor weeping uncontrollably in remorse for what I had done to you. Horrific images flashed into my mind. ”

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Jenn's Story
Jenn Perry Director Journey Of Healing

In September 1987, I was a 17 year old teenage girl. I had run away from home and was living with my boyfriend and his family. My boyfriend was heavily into drugs and drinking, and after a night of partying and celebrating his graduation from high school, he and his friends decided that it would be fun to hold me down, pass me around and repeatedly rape me. I was drunk at the time and later they told me I "had asked for it". He told me afterwards that if I told anyone what had happened he would kill me. Weeks later I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend TOLD me I HAD to get an abortion. He frightened me and humiliated me so much, I felt I had no other options at the time. I had the abortion. I'll never forget walking into the Planned Parenthood abortion clinic in Syracuse, NY. It was a huge, cold waiting room. My boyfriend had paid the $300.00 fee and immediately left me there by myself. He told me to call him when it was done. I felt so alone and scared as I filled out the paperwork that they gave me. Keep in mind, I was 17 at the time and was not accompanied by my parents. It's the same today as back then - no questions asked, no matter the age. No parental consent need be given. After filling out the paperwork, I was taken into a room and made to watch a short video about what my abortion would be like. I can only describe this video as wishful thinking, because it bared little resemblance to the actual invasive procedure I was about to have. I was let into a very cold, small room and told to undress and put on the paper gown they supplied me with. After a few minutes the "doctor" came in, sits at a chair at my feet and just starts. He did not say one word to me. The nurse that was there grabbed my arms and started holding me down. All of a sudden, I felt a hot, searing pain and I saw STARS! I gasped as the "doctor" shoved a needle into my cervix. He said to me, "Stay still! It doesn't hurt! It's all in your head! Let me FINISH!" I remember that the nurse still had me pinned down and I just wanted to jump up and run out the door, but I could not move. The pain was indescribable, as was the feeling of helplessness I felt. No one was there to help me. All I remember after that was pressure and extreme pain. I know I was crying. The "doctor" just rolled his eyes at me afterward and said it was finished. I got dressed and was just numb as I walked out the door. No after procedure instructions were given. No follow up appointments made. They got their money and now would have nothing else to do with their patient. After getting back home, I just went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I was cramping very bad and it was the worst period I have ever had. I remember globs of tissue and blood pouring out. After a few days it subsided and I went about my life again. A few weeks later when my cycle did not come around again, I went to a clinic doctor and he informed me that I was STILL PREGNANT! I was floored. I could not even comprehend what he was saying to me. This could not be happening. It just couldn't. After that, I was unable to get another abortion - it was too late. I was relieved, but also knew I was not able to care for a child. I still had to finish high school, and then college. I had the baby - well, actually, BOTH babies. You see, I had been pregnant with TWINS. I lost one at birth, the other I gave up for adoption. She was beautiful. They BOTH were. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, giving her up, but I loved her so much I had to. I named the babies Jessica and Sarah. Jessica was adopted. I eventually grew up, married and became pregnant with my third child. While pregnant with my third daughter, Elizabeth, I found out I had some serious medical issues from my botched abortion procedure. Instead of removing the twin, my fallopian tube was torn out on one side instead. I was lucky I got pregnant at all, the doctors said. Then, two years later, my husband and I were blessed with a son, Christian. This felt like a miracle to us! At the age of 26, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer directly linked to my botched abortion I had had when I was younger. I had to have a complete hysterectomy. This was just the start of my complications related to the abortion. I also developed breast cancer in my late 20s. With all these medical issues I was having, I felt I needed to write to the adoption agency to provide a family medical history for my baby girl that I had given up in case she needed it one day. It was anonymous, so there would be no way she could track me down, right? Wrong. One day I received a letter in the mail from the baby I had given up for adoption. It was one of the most exciting days of my life! Jess had grown up safe and in a fantastic home with loving parents who gave her the world. For this, I am so grateful. I was so blessed she was brave (and curious!) enough to seek me out through the adoption agency. We gradually got to know each other and became good friends. She got married to a wonderful man and she herself was blessed by becoming pregnant. I was going to be a Grandma at only 41 years old! Jess passed away on March 30th, 2011, while giving birth to her daughter. I also lost my granddaughter that day, Christina. I was so crushed, I thought ?? Here is my final punishment?I get to lose EVERYTHING!? I know in my heart this is not the truth. God has blessed me in so many ways. He has forgiven me and carries me when I need him most. It has taken me a few years, but I can now tell my story so that others may benefit from my mistakes. I NEED to tell the world about what happened to me and my daughters. I am not being punished, I am being "chosen". Chosen to tell the world the truth about abortion and chosen to help others by my example. What the abortionists fail to tell you is that there are consequences for every action, even - especially, abortion. I have had cervical cancer, a ripped fallopian tube, ovarian cancer and breast cancer twice. Is all related to my abortion? ABSOLUTELY! That is the easy part. The physical part. The hardest part is what you DO NOT see. The mental and emotional scars abortion leaves on women is immense. Abortion isn't a simple procedure. It is a life altering moment. It is bloody and painful. It is MURDER. It is not just the death of a precious child, but the death of those mothers who live through the procedure, too. It is final. There is no going back and you cannot make up for it. That is what I want to convey to girls and women about abortion. I want women and men to know the effect it will have on their lives. Maybe not today, but one day, one moment. It will take you by surprise and you will have to deal with what you have done. There will be someone there for you though, to help you through it. He will always be there for you. I have to say I am blessed with a wonderful sister-in-law who worked at the Heart and Pregnancy Center. I confided in her about my abortion and she helped me get the help I desperately needed. She has walked beside me every step of the way throughout this journey of mine. She held me, let me cry and never let me forget that I am loved and forgiven She has been one of my biggest champions! I am also blessed with the best husband in the world who has loved me and been there for me through it all. After being raped, I never thought anyone would love me. Especially after knowing I "murdered" a child. He has loved me and all my girls, and for that I can never thank him enough. Without Project Rachael, Rachael's Vineyard and Heart, I do not think I would be able to speak out about my abortion. Abortion is emotional and it cuts your heart out, as well as your child. It leaves you devastated. You know you killed your child. You know you will never hold that baby again, or sing to them, or kiss them, or tell them everything will be all right. They are dead and with Jesus. I know one day I will see my babies again, but for now, I want their short time here on earth to MEAN something. They are still loved and will NEVER be forgotten! I dedicate this to my lost girls, Jess and Sarah, my wonderful husband Matt, my sister in every sense of the word Edie and my two living children Elizabeth and Christian, I love you all so very much!!